There comes a time in your life where you just sit and reflect…..
Who am I kidding, I’m having these moments on a regular basis.
I sit and think about everything that has gone wrong in my life, everything that has gone right. People that have hurt me and those that brought me moments and experiences of joy.
I remember numerous occasions where I sat alone thinking where did I go wrong. Why do I feel so alone? Was it something I said? Was it something I did? Or didn’t do? I sat there for hours and thought of a million questions to justify why I feel alone. Then I would shift energy and think of it in another perception. What if I actually enjoy this time alone. There is no distractions. I can figure out what I want for myself and for my life. Without no ones influence or judgement. It is just me and my true self.
Shit, this can get scary. Why? Because my thoughts towards creating a path towards my goals requires change and change can be a scary thing. What if I lose the only people I have around me? What if they don’t agree with my decisions I make for myself? What if I truly end up alone with absolutely no one to be by my side?
You see how crazy and powerful our minds can be. Our mind has the ability to build us up or destroy us. It is up to us to allow what direction to take. And dealing with a panic disorder didn’t help. (by the way, I still have moments of panic attacks)
I used to hate having this. I lost a lot of so called friends because of the fact that I panic going out of my comfort zone and being being in crowded places. It became depressive. When was it going to stop? When would I have control of my life again? Let alone, How? Searching for help wasn’t easy. Understand this, in order to get “medical therapy” for panic/anxiety you need to be able to go into there facilities, which ends up being out of your comfort zone. Or you need to pay for it, which costs anywhere between $80-$200 an hour. SO then you think let me see if I go about this on a spiritual aspect. You get to do sessions on the phone and/or video. Which also costs anywhere between $100-$300 a session.
So in order to seek any type of therapy towards personal growth costs a sh*t load of money.
What happens to those who aren’t making an income or can’t afford it? I was in that boat. I reached out to any type of material I could read to educate myself and I kept researching until I found facilities that were able to do phone therapy.
The truth is, you never are really alone. You can connect with crisis lines, free therapy sessions, reading material from other people who have been through likewise experiences, social media, etc.
When you feel caught up in the moments of “feeling” alone, you need to ask yourself one deep question…..
What am I lacking within myself that is making me feel this what?