This is going to be the most transparent mindful thought I think I'm about to share. It's time. But it definitely won't be my last.
I love what I do, I get countless messages from people I've never met, expressing how much my posts inspire them and empower them to want to change Within themselves. I've worked with so many beautiful souls that I've got to journey with them as we both get to see our transformations. I say WE because of this...
When you take on the roll of mentoring people, it shouldn't be about it being a profession. It shouldn't be about the money, money is just an energy; it comes and goes. It's about being passionate towards guiding people through their own personal journey. Do you not see the blessing in that? You get to perceive a journey through their eyes, with what they share. It becomes an exchange of wisdom. This is why I love what I do.
I grew up with the fear of being abandoned. It was conditioned at a very young age. And when I decided to leave home at 15, abdandoment became my best friend. I've never really had long term friends like most have, because I became codependent on intimate relationships to fill a void. The void of LOVE. And that had me moving around a lot.
So why this post? Why now? Because today is the day I turn 38 years old. And this number holds power for me. When I got diagnosed with extreme Anxiety/Panic (in 2015) that actually had me admitted in the hospital for 5-6 days because I was struggling to walk, I gave myself by my 38th birthday, my life was going to completely change. They say be careful what you wish for, because it did drastically change. I created this post to hold myself accountable, by posting publicly, that I will not allow fear of abandonment to take control of my life.
Since that hospital incident, abandonment decided to unpack and move in in my life. My mother decided to walk away from her family just over 2 years ago, maybe 3? I miss her dearly. I feel like I've buried her because her family has done everything in their power to keep her away from me, at all costs. This caused abandonment to trigger full force. Then toxic relationships and so on added to the mix.
You see, what you are conditioned with at such a young age will have an effect throughout your life. It will manifest in so many ways. I've never really understood true love, in any form. But I CHOOSE to break the cycle and heal within. It wasn't an easy journey. And I still continue to work on myself on a daily basis. I've had to deal with so many fake people and difficult experiences. But everything is a choice. MY CHOICE. My father, bless his soul, has stayed by my side. I'm truly grateful for that because he's all I truly have.
Family is thicker than water, they say. But I've had more strangers and friends, that have come and go, do more for me than my own family in the past. I'm not going to paint some fake picture that my family is so perfect, that we never argue and bs. There's no such thing. We all have had to overcome obstacles in our life. We all have our own unique stories. But that's the issue, they are just stories we tell ourselves. Remember, you aren't defined by your stories. They are experiences that have taught you many things along the way, but you have the power to change the path of your journey.
So as today being a significant birthday, I give my own word to myself and to all of you, that I will show up authentically. I will not filter myself to satisfy anyones ego. I've done it long enough. If you have actually made it to this point, I truly thank you. For hearing me out. This is truly out of my comfort zone and as I even type it, my heart races. This is my passion, through my posts to inspire myself and all of you. The only way to show up is by taking off the mask. Don't allow your stories to define you. You are enough. You are capable. Go deep within and find your "Why." What drives you? What excites you? Who cares what anyone thinks, we are all dealing with our own demons. No one is better than you and you aren't better than no one.
This is my gift to myself and to you. Acknowledge your younger self and inspire her/him to achieve greatness. Anyone is capable of abandoning you, but you have that same choice for yourself. You can only truly count on yourself.
I love you guys. Thank you for giving me the space to express this on my special day.