Life. I honestly thought that it was simple. You are born, you learn stuff, you go to school, you learn some more, you make friends, you date, you find your match, you get married, you have kids, you raise them, you watch them go to school, graduate, prom, you watch them get married, grandchildren, grow old with your spouse, you pass. Life is great.
So where the fuck did I go wrong. I did shit in school, I hated it actually, I was always made fun of, always trying to fit in, to be liked, thought high school would be better, still trying to fit in somewhere, met a boy, dropped out of school, moved out of my parents at 15 and that’s where my whole direction changed. Thought I was in love. Started drinking, smoking weed. Had to fit in, that was my pattern. Thought the partying was needed to be liked and accepted. For a 15 year old female to be surrounded by drugs and alcohol, I had a feeling that this wasn’t going to turn out too well. Didn’t care, as long as I had friends and a partner. That relationship didn’t work, and I couldn’t deal with the fact of looking like a failure to my father, so needed to find another man to fill the void, have somewhere to go.
This was a constant pattern, finding men to fill a void I thought I “needed”. I had sold drugs, stole, lied, and plenty other bs just to survive. Always being surrounded by the “street” type of men, you can learn a lot. How to hustle and how not to be hustled. I didn’t care who I was hurting (emotionally), using, or manipulating, I needed to be able to survive on my own. At the time, I didn’t think that’s how I was treating people. Now totally understanding who I was.
Fast forward to 2013, I had experienced my first true spiritual awakening. See, I never believed in this aspect of life. The deeper meaning. I would always find myself connecting with people that were on that path, intrigued by what they had to say, but would never allow them in my circle of “friends”. Since they would be labeled as “crazy”. But after 5 years of spiritual work within myself, it all makes sense.
I spent my whole life trying to please others. Not wanting to upset people. Not wanting to be lonely, that I didn’t realize I had felt lonely the whole time. How? I had abandoned my true inner self. I never really got to know my true self because I was too occupied trying to be someone I thought everyone in my life, at each moment, wanted. While going through every experience, I honestly thought I knew who I was. I didn’t think I was doing any harm, to myself or others. Who was I kidding?
Some ask, “do you have any regrets?” I always answer, “no.” Because if I never went through the experiences I did, I wouldn’t be who I am today. Each and every experience that we go through has a meaning. It happens to teach us something about ourselves. Every person that crosses our path is a reflection of who we are, in some way.
Many of us don’t want to deal with our inner truth. It brings out emotions and thoughts that we just don’t want to deal with. That’s why many people turn to some type of addiction to cope with their reality. Whether it be drugs, alcohol, sex, porn, shopping, etc. It becomes a habit because when a certain reality kicks in that sets off an emotion we don’t know how to deal with, it’s just easier to turn to the addiction. We forget about it.
Society has brainwashed us into wanting more. Wanting better. But who are we comparing to to be thinking that we want more and/or better. Take a look at your life. We watch tv, on our phones glued to social media, then when we are out and about we notice ONLY the things that has caught our attention from what we have seen through technology sources. We are comparing ourselves to what we see others having. But you don’t know what they had to go through to get to where they are. We become depressed, stressed, full of panic and anxiety on how to get what others have. Because that is how we can label ourselves as being good enough, by the “things” we have.
What happened to enjoying the little things? Enjoying peoples company rather then being glued to our devices. People don’t know how to communicate with each other. People have lost respect for each other. There’s so much hate in this world. When will we stop wanting more and just being happy with what we already have?
Just thoughts in the moment.