As far as I can think back, even as a child, I was always helping out others with everything. I remember family get togethers where I'd be assisting my mother with prep and also clean up. I remember being around 11 years old where I would also be helping out with whatever she needed in her daycare business. As a child, my parents were the protective type. I was never really allowed to go out and play with other kids outside. I spend the majority of my childhood in my apartment and can count a handful of times where I was allowed to go to a friends house, under the supervision of her mother or outside on my bike, but had to be in my parents view. The secludedness wasn't the main cause of my issues, even though I got made fun of most of the time because of it. The biggest issue I was dealing with was the abuse I ended up going through. I was molested at a very young age, to physically abused, then grew into verbal and emotional abuse. Because this was happening to me, I assumed I was constantly doing something wrong or I wasn't good enough. Some key knowledge......our childhood is where our patterns/habits are formed. I was conditioned to understand right from wrong by what my parents had taught me. How was I know to any better? And they only know what’s right and wrong from what they were conditioned by their own upbringing.
Because of the fact I got picked on a lot and bullied, I always tried to fit in, to be liked. I became what society would call, a "follower". I thought the only way I could be accepted was if I did what others expected/wanted from me. So I felt I needed to do whatever it took just to fit in and be liked. To have "friends". What a silly perspective, I thought when I became more aware with my inner healing journey. But I was definitely unaware of the consequences that being a follower would lead me.
It wasn't an easy task. I had to keep up with the crowd, on top of having really strict parents. But I didn't care of the consequences because I HAD FRIENDS. This new excitement in my life started creating a new mindset, new patterns/habits. Except it ended up being toxic patterns/behaviour. Lying, stealing, manipulation, back stabbing, just to name a few. Being fake became the new me. It started getting out of hand when I would start stealing money from my parents just so I can buy lunch and candy for these so called friends. It became a habit to start buying my friendship with others. This all came crashing down, in grade 7, when my "friend" convinced me to purchase a cap gun and bring it for him to school. When he got caught and the police got called, who do you think everyone pointed fingers at. You got it.....ME. With old school european parents, I don't need to explain how that scenario ended.
At age 15, I met a boy. It was my first real relationship. That's where my independent life started. I left home because I was given the ultimatum of "follow our rules or get out". I saw this as my get out of jail free card. Remember in elementary school I created the patterns/habits of lies, manipulation, etc? Now in my teens, free on my own, still in that mindset pattern, you can image the self destruction I was creating for myself. I started drinking, smoking, having sex, and trying drugs. All to be accepted and still trying to fit in. When that relationship didn't work, I'd replace it with someone new, just so I didn't have to go home. Or if I did go home, find a new guy as soon as I could, so I can be quick enough to leave.
This vicious cycle did not stop until I was 31. I met an incredible man. He spoiled me with gifts. I believed maybe this was it. I had enough experiences in my life to write a series of novels. It was time to settle down. I thought I grew up. I thought I transformed and broke my patterns/habits. It ended up that God had a different plan for me. This was the last relationship that taught me the only abuse I never understood or knew of, Psychological abuse. In my opinion, the most dangerous one. Physical, yes, in some cases can kill you. But that is the act of someone physically doing it to you. Sexual, plays a role with emotional abuse. Psychological abuse is the act that you allow someone, without your awareness, to manipulate you in such a way, that you actually lose yourself completely. It's intensely self destructive because it is a vicious cycle of emotional and mental abuse all rolled into one.
In May 2015 I was admitted to the hospital, with what I would have considered, my near death experience. I was struggling to physically walk without losing my balance. Out of nowhere. I was so scared that I was never going to be able to be independently mobile again. I’ve never been in that state before. Five days later I was walking a bit better and the doctors let me go with my diagnosis........EXTREME PANIC/ANXIETY. Are you kidding me? That's it. There's no way. I had to get answers. They were wrong. There was something more going on that they couldn't see. These were all the negative thoughts going through my head. When I had left the hospital, I was on a mission to figure out what had just happened. Through a woman I had met, I was guided to try reiki. I had opened up on a spiritual awareness in 2013 and started doing healing sessions with Master Lee, for about a month or two. So I was familiar with reiki, but had never tried it before. I started doing a session a week. My second session in, I had my first out of body experience. This opened a door to a whole different direction in my life.
Now, in 2020, with so much healing, wisdom and awareness about my upbringing, my life and myself, I reflect on that day fully aware and understanding that out of body experience was the start of many experiences that were going to help me evolve into the woman I am today. I believe that there are so many stages we go through in this personal growth journey. But there is that first initial one that opens the doors to this whole new world. This different perception of life. The path of evolvement.
You see, without these experiences throughout my life, I wouldn't be where I am right now, able, willing, and passionate to guiding others into finding their true selves. I started to blog, through wordpress in 2015, just to share my thoughts. In April of 2017, my deceased grandfather had come to visit me, through a meditation, where we had a conversation where he mentioned to me that I was like an Angel, here to watch over people, guide them through difficult times since I’ve had so many experiences that many could resonate with. This is when I decided to open an online store to sell intentional products, readings and share wisdom that were and continue to guide me on my journey. I named my company Our Angels Guidance.
In October 2019, I had another visit, in a healing session, from my deceased uncle, reminding me of a conversation we had the week before his passing. He had also mentioned that my calling was to guide and inspire others to find themselves and achieve their greatness. With all of this wisdom and knowledge I’ve optioned over the years, I needed a fresh start. To reflect my journey, and that’s when I decided to change my company name and logo. It needed to resemble my purpose, my why. Because the truth is.....
TO GROW IS TO EVOLVE