By Miriam Altounji

Why do I let men take my power away?

I’m angry. I’m angry at myself for being vulnerable in front of men who didn’t deserve it, who couldn’t receive it. I’m upset for choosing the wrong person, over and over again. I’m fucking mad at my shitty radar. I know how special I am; I am fucking amazing and I deserve someone as amazing, as present, as committed as I am... 


But I am not a patient person. My open heart wants to be vulnerable. I want to be seen and listened to and loved for exactly who I am. Yet I keep choosing the ones who are emotionally unavailable; the narcissists, the egocentric, the deeply wounded. My reflections, all of them. 


The work now is about deconstructing these aspects in myself. When I allow my world to consume me, I am the narcissist. When I don’t listen, I am egocentric. When I pretend to be someone I am not, I am emotionally unavailable. I am wounded, deeply: from grief and loss, from anger and jealousy, from fear. I see my shadow. I must love it, own it. My shadow is a part of me and I must honour it, console it... Not fight it.


 It is only when I fully accept all aspects of myself, light and shadow, good and bad, beautiful and ugly, only then can I welcome a romantic partner into my life. Only then can I be free of judgement. Only then can I fully love myself. I know who I am. I am strong and vulnerable. I am sensitive and dramatic. I am loud and quiet. I am passionate and cold. I am intense and sexual. I am full of contradictions and I am perfectly human just as I am.


I refuse to diminish myself for any man. I am shakti, beautiful and powerful, and no man can take my power away. 


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